Sunday, November 4, 2012

Fat Girl Syndrome

So how is it or why is it that as women we can't seem to see ourselves outside of what my friend dubs   "fat girl syndrome". Funny, isn't it? But if you stop and think about it, it's so true.

I'm going to use myself as a prime example. I have been active for years but we'll narrow this current process down to a year (a year and a little bit actually). I have lost 33lbs, an amazing amount of inches everywhere throughout my body, I have muscle definition, I am between a size 0 and a size 2 and yet I still have "fat girl syndrome".

My body has never looked like this. I have been this weight before but never been this small a size and never with this amount of muscle definition, yet I am freaking out over walking out on stage half naked in front of an audience of people. I am having self doubt about my appearance, I am self-conscious about being stage ready, having abs, enough muscle definition and so forth. Why is that? I mean I am a freakin' size 0 for heaven's sake!

I look at myself in the mirror; I critique and whine because I still don't have abs and I am unsure about the definition in my legs. And even though, there has been so much change in my body over the last year, I don't physically look at myself and think, I'm hot or that I don't have anymore work to do. It's almost as if the progress hasn't registered and I am still where I used to be.

If I go into a clothing store and pick up a pair of size 0,1 or 2 jeans or pants; I honestly hesitate every single time because I think that there is no way that can be me. I actually laughed at myself and I mean straight laughed out loud, once a few weeks back in the change room when I tried on a pair of size 1-2 dress pants and they were too big. I was in no this can't be!

So why can't it be? I mean I have worked my freakin a$$ off for this. Why am I still self conscious? Why am I concerned about flaunting what I have worked so hard for? And why am I still in my past size 6-8 state of mind; that this can't be me?

Self doubt, its pitiful actually, to be where I am today and still have so much of it. The thing is that no  matter how many times or how many people tell me I look great, I still can't get past it. I see the changes in some respect, don't get me wrong, but seeing changes and believing you are ready for something that seemed so out of reach are two very different things.

Where does one then, go from here to get out of "fat girl syndrome" and into "I'm sexy and I know it"? Lol.......honestly I don't think one ever does. I think it's a matter of turning yourself off from it somehow and getting in a zone where you do it, you rock it and you forget everything else for as long as it takes to get you through it.

I mean once you have come this far and gone through what I have to get here, there is no such thing as turning back or giving up now. So no matter what, for me, whether I zone out, tune out or turn off the world to get through it, I WILL do it. Will I do it well? I sure hope so......I plan to put on some sort of game face, do it and do it well.

"Go big or go home", so they say and since I'm not going home that only leaves one option. Get over it and GO BIG!

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